I am the King

Dear owners who faithfully feed me every day,

I have come to the conclusion that you are slacking in your duties to pet me, cuddle me, feed me on time, and shower me with every ounce of your love and attention. For this, I will jump in your bathtub, drag my wet paws all over the house, open and close the cupboards - slamming them as loud as I can, cry under your door, pull all the clothes out of your dresser and then climb inside myself at 4 in the morning, bury my whiskery face in your neck while you are sleeping, pull the stuffing out of your mattress - eat it - and then throw it up later on the floor, and scratch holes in all of your furniture. I will also race around the house like a madman, jumping up walls and chasing the bugs that you think are imaginary - just about the time when you are getting ready for bed. And I don't care that your lap has morphed into a soccer ball shape - I will keep jumping there anyway.

Oh, and please refill the food bowl. I won't eat the crumbs that I leave behind when I chew. I ONLY eat the whole and perfect pieces.

My sister is in league with me. Don't think you can stop us, no matter what a fatty pants petunia she is. I am the King. And this is my house.

- jack