Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Grump Thoughts

Warning: I am in a bad mood.

Parenting I think, is easier for some people than others. In fact, after reflecting on my personality type, I realized that had I done some sort of test on it I would make a good parent based soley on my personality, I would have failed.

I love my kids, but good Lord, I have so little joy when I am around them that I fear I have missed the point of having kids completely. All my internet acquaintances are posting pictures every day of all their cute babies and gushing about how much they love being stay at home moms....and here I am, going.... yeah...that's not how I feel. In fact, I would work part time starting tomorrow if my entire income wouldn't be going straight to pay for the childcare for all five kids while I work. I need an outside purpose. Just being a mom isn't enough for me.

I have a few hours each week here while the older four are in school and Oliver is taking a nap. I could paint, I could get creative, but honestly? I feel like I have nothing in me. Like that stuff needs time just to sit and be and reflect before I can even begin to draw or create. And since that "being" time doesn't exist, I don't create.

I DO do laundry though. I know, right? Laundry.  Why oh why, did I have kids....

Despite my feelings at the moment, I do love my children. All of them. Even the ones that I didn't birth that are IMPOSSIBLE at times for me to even want to be around. I still love them. I am fighting for them. I am committed to them. But I still want a life outside of them.

Make sense?

And that life isn't blogging. Because I think our personal life and stories are just that. Personal. Also, no one wants to hear about all the back talk and tantrums and sibling squabbling that happen all day long over here. Really. No one needs to hear about that.

My glass is pretty much almost empty too. No half full for me. It's like, gone. And every day I wake up exhausted, get through the day exhausted, crawl into bed exhausted. Repeat. Again and again and again. So I need some joy. Some spice to get me through. Also it's February, so there's that. Like, we are I-can't-remember-what-green-leaves-look-like deep into winter, and I keep looking at pictures of Florida wishing I would magically wake up there tomorrow. Eric says I'm not going there this year for my birthday, so I bought some Nikki McClure prints instead. Incidentally, the ones that spoke to me the most are mostly winter prints. Oh, the irony. Excited to get them into frames though. I figure if I can't buy a plane ticket I may as well buy some frames.

So here's the dirty.
I'm totally not connecting to my kids, there's too many of them, can someone please make them stop screaming and whining and touching me, and also can winter please be over soon. Oh, and I need a side purpose in life. My main job is obviously child-rearing right now, but come on. I need some part time inspiration here, because all this dirty laundry and child reffing isn't doing it for me.

And if I could somehow magically have all the practical skills inside me to parent kids with trauma, well then by all means, do that too.
I think I might be burned out