The Year of Grace

Lexi and her "sister" B - July 2011

It's time to write about our year of intentional living. I have been putting it off for months, mostly because of the fact that we had a new baby, moved, and were going through so many transitions at once it was all I could do to get my family clothed and fed every day.

But know that I have wanted to give you a good conclusion. A good reason for ending the year without acting like it never happened. Because it did happen. And it's time to reflect.

Last spring, Eric and I felt that God was calling us into radical Gospel centered living. We didn't really know what that was supposed to look like, only that we felt moved by the Spirit that we had to walk in obedience to whatever big was coming. We simply had to be willing to listen and obey. So we listened. It was then that God brought a sweet couple into our lives who also felt the same calling on their lives. We connected, and within a span of a few months, knew that we should move in together for a year of intentional community living.

Going into it, I think we each had our own grandiose ideas and visions of what our year would look like. Basically a lot of people would come to know Jesus, we would be serving every day in our surrounding community, and we would be sharing most things in common and have incredible fellowship every day. We were all going to be best friends and inseparable and it was going to be AWESOME.

In reality, that didn't really happen.

I will not speak for everyone, and I am sure that each of us has our own thoughts about how last year went down, but I will only speak to my own experience.

Barely two months after moving in together, Eric and I found out we were expecting our second baby. I was ecstatic until the sickness set in (which I have written about before). I honestly believe that had I not been so sick, the following nine months of living with this other couple would have been completely different. Perhaps not, but it happened regardless.

For me personally, there were a lot of high points as well as low points in our year of living together. There were also a lot of things looking back on it that I wish I had done differently.

I wish I had lived and loved freely, instead of stuffing anger and building barriers.

I wish I had practiced forgiveness every minute of every day, instead of letting things build into exploding and crying myself to sleep almost every night.

I wish I had served more, and pitied myself less.

I wish I had not judged so harshly, and instead loved more fully.

And I wish we had laughed more and struggled less.

But even a midst all of the difficulties and adjustments, God spoke to me and worked in me like never before during this last year. I felt like I was in a pressure cooker most of the time and for a while yelled at God for "picking on me." But He wasn't picking on me. He was merely doing what I had asked Him to do. Perfecting me. Cleansing me. Giving me the opportunity to get rid of all the "me" and fill my life with HIM ALONE.

I just didn't think it would be so messy. So painful. So hard to let go.

But God is good and faithful. And so throughout all the brokenness and sin in my own life last year, there was also an incredible outpouring of GRACE.

I learned, and am still learning, how to receive grace. How to give grace. And how to walk daily in grace.
As a testimony to this, when our daughter was finally born in April, she was given the name Grace. My entire pregnancy with her relied on the grace given to me, and my acceptance of it and choice to walk in it. It was only appropriate that her name reflect that. She is a daily reminder to me of God's sovereignty, goodness, and love that is always given, but never deserved.

Me with Lyla - April 2012

This past Monday at my Moms group we were discussing raw emotions and how we react and respond when certain situations arise. This passage from the study we are doing struck a chord with me, which acted as a catalyst for this reflection.

"When I take the easy route, I let the situation dictate my reaction. When I am determined to pursue the good, I rise up and unexpectedly give grace. I give grace because I so desperately need grace."   (Lysa Terkeurst, Unglued)

I give grace because I so desperately need grace. 

Romans 5 explains it perfectly here.

And how we are instructed to live in Micah 6:8. (ESV)

He has told you, O man, what is good;
    and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,[a]
    and to walk humbly with your God?

Things didn't quite pan out for me as I had hoped, as far as my big dreams for intentional living and community serving were concerned. I felt disappointed and disillusioned until I realized that God's way is always better than my own. There was more brokenness in my own life that needed to be worked at first. And of course, making my own plans for "ministry" will always fall through. Instead, Eric and I experienced a year where our marriage was strengthened, our love relationship with Jesus grew immensely, and we were put into positions of leadership that we never saw coming before. We began to fall in love with our neighborhood and see the depravity in it. We began to realize what loving people with Christ's love really means. We got deeply involved with our church family and invested in people to disciple and people who have discipled us. We learned what community is and what it isn't. We learned about forgiveness. We learned about communication. We learned to walk in grace.

About halfway into our year of living together, Eric and I started listening again. God seems to keep asking us to do really big things. I guess when you are obedient in the small things, He ups the anti, right? ;) He began working on our hearts for this years ago (if you know our story, and our love for orphans you will understand this), so we weren't surprised when He revealed to us our next step in His story. The problem was, the next thing He was/and is calling us to do, involved us needing more living space that was not shared. The couple we lived with also felt like it was time to go separate ways as well, so we had a mutual agreement and ended our year together just after both of our new babies were born, when the lease ended this last May.

Life with this couple could have gone better. There are many fond memories mixed with a lot of things that I regret in the attitude of my heart. But overall I wouldn't take last year back. I even tell people that it was a good year. A hard one, yes. The hardest I have experienced by far. But a good one. And I believe that to be true. It was not a failure. It was making imperfect progress. I love Jesus more because of it. I am walking in His grace because of it. Without last year's "pressure cooking," I am convinced it would have taken me ten years of growth to get to where I am today. And I have certainly not made perfect progress. But I can say for certain that I am making imperfect progress. Imperfect progress moves us forward, by and in God's grace. 

Eric and I are currently in the lengthy application process to becoming a licensed Foster Home for kids in Chicago who don't have a safe, loving home of their own. We are in the beginning stages of the process, and the whole thing takes up to four months. If all goes well, we are expecting to have a child, or more likely a sibling group, placed with us sometime in the early months of the new year.

It turns out that for us, living out the Gospel is not only tough, but it also calls for radical life change and sacrifice. And of course, a whole heaping of blessing and joy! Loving Jesus is serious business. God's Word is serious business. Being a light in this depraved and hurting City is serious business. And letting God in to work on all the mess in my own life is serious business. And in spite of it all, I will never turn back. I am alive because of His grace. And so very thankful for it.

May we continue to walk in His abounding and never ending Grace.