Dear Mom.

Dear Mom,

Today is your birthday. And it's a big one. One of the ones you aren't supposed to forget. The one that comes with a big party and all the old friends show up and the whole family is together and there are expensive gifts and a lot of memories made. Celebrating half of a century should be that way, shouldn't it?

But today, instead of waking up to party preparations, a different story unfolded. One where I realized this birthday sneaked up on me and caught me unawares. It's too late to throw a party, I have no access to old family pictures to make a fun gift, I have $1.06 in my personal spending account, my brother is at boot camp, my sister just started college out of state, my other sister is deep in recruiting season at work, and here I am. The stable one. The steady one. The married one. The one who should be throwing the party today.

But instead of throwing a party, I'm bathing my baby, who can't keep her hands out of her dirty diapers. I'm washing my dishes before they overflow onto the floor. I'm pulling over onto the side of the road to clean my child while she gets sick in the car. I'm buying groceries and then hauling them inside with a baby on my hip. I'm bathing my oldest, washing the sodden garments, and reading her a story while she lays in bed and I feed lunch to the youngest at the same time.

Today it is your birthday. And it didn't go really as one might have planned, but then celebrating your life isn't just about one day. It's about your legacy.

And I am thankful for you.

Because if it wasn't for my Mom, a lovely, faithful woman of integrity, I wouldn't be who I am today. I also wouldn't BE here, which I am forever indebted to her for.

I was walking to the park with my girls yesterday when an elderly man stopped me to talk. He was out watering his flowers and said hello to the girls. "I remember those days when my kids were young," he says. "I call those the hurricane years. Because really, they were. But the kids grow up fast. Much faster than you can believe right now. But ENJOY every minute of it. Because even though it feels like a hurricane now, these are the BEST years of your life. I know you probably don't believe me, but it's true. Treasure your young children. These really are the best years of your life."

Dear Mom, do you remember these years?

These hilarious, silly smiles, the constant giggles and squeals, the short tempers and long tantrums, the long sick nights and the crazy early mornings. The feeling of just trying to keep everyone fed and alive and hoping your life is significant in doing that?

Do you remember our baby faces and arms wrapped around your neck as the little girl whispers in your ear "I want to hold onto you forever" while you tuck her into bed? Do you remember the singing - the sweet tiny voices singing at the top of their lungs whatever words or phrases come into their heads? Do you remember the long random conversations that always happen right at bedtime and the excitement about silly little things like rocks shaped like hearts and green tomatoes turning red?

Do you remember kissing the skinned knees, tickling the soft bellies, saying and doing ridiculous things just because it made us laugh?

Every day there are new discoveries. Every moment there is learning, connections, and so. much. crazy. joy.

Do you remember this?

Do you remember the joy?

When I am fifty, I want to remember this.

I don't want to remember if my house was clean (because it never is anyway) or if my pantry was organized. I want to remember my kid's joy. Their laughter. The cuddles and play and hugs and even the tears.

I don't want to remember all the time outs or angry words or tough days of bad attitudes and the feeling of just trying to get by.

I want to remember the JOY. I want to remember being wrapped up in this crazy unchanging GRACE that I am invited to walk every day in, to lead my kids into, to be covered by and filled with.

I want to remember that.

Dear Mom, I know you remember this. Maybe some of it like it was yesterday. The rest like the long time ago that it was. But I know you remember.  And I know you give thanks.

Because in your life, I saw Jesus.

Every. single. day.

I saw you loving Him, serving Him, and thriving in His life. On the hard days I saw you leave to find a quiet place. And when I found you, there you were, with God's Word in your hands and His writing on your heart.

You have been faithful in every small thing, courageous in bigger things than I could ever imagine facing alone, and endlessly loving - even to the most undeserving.

Thank you.

Thank you for going to battle for us every day, fighting for our hearts and souls to not be swept away by every whim and tide. Thank you for choosing to stay when days were long, and to walk beside us even when we continually pushed you away.

You are a gift.

And I am thankful for you.

I am not a perfect mom. I struggle every day to love my kids the way I should. I have to fight hard for joy, and some days, I give up the fight without even trying.

But then I look at you. Schooling the kids at home, writing letters to your Son at training, loving and walking with the ones who are living on our own. Loving your husband, and still faithful in every small thing.

And I know that God can make me into a woman like you.

So I thank you for who you are, and for the woman that you are still becoming. I am thankful that my girls have such a lovely grandmother to love them and that I have such a dear friend in you to walk with.

You are blessed. 

And you have been and will continue to be a blessing to more people than you will probably ever know. 

Thank you for making us into a family.

I love you.

Happy birthday.