The Truth

So here's the real reason why I suck at writing on this blog lately (also the reason why I have several postings under the same date..). For three months solid I have been sick. Pregnancy-sick, yes, but still. It's terrible. So terrible, in fact, that I am on prescription medication in order to keep me from throwing up everything that I manage to get into my stomach.

The upside? The medicine works for the most part. I still feel sick all the time, but I only throw up about twice a day instead of all day long.

The downside? My digestion is slowed. Which means that I have become a fatty. I hate it so much. I hate the way I look right now. I hate standing on a scale. I hate being on the medicine. I hate throwing up. I hate feeling sick all the time. I love my baby, but it just doesn't seem quite fair this time around.

I haven't said much about this, because I don't want to sound like a complainer. But the reality is, I am getting so discouraged. It just doesn't seem to be getting better. I know it is temporary, but in the present it is still hard. Waking up is never anything to look forward to (since it consists of dashing to the bathroom several times before I can even make it to the kitchen to find some breakfast). Cooking is a complete drag. And if I eat, I get fatter. But if I don't eat, I feel sicker.

I do have better days than others. Days that I feel almost normal for part of the day, and then a fresh wave of nausea hits simply to remind me that I still have five months of this to go. It really puts a damper on life, if you know what I mean. Being in the second trimester, I have been hopeful for a change, but now I just don't know if I can believe that it is coming.

And then I remember all the women out there who struggle to conceive, struggle even worse than I am to carry their babies to term. Who have had miscarried and had complications and dealt with very unexpected issues.

It reminds me to be thankful in the midst of my illness. It doesn't make it any easier, but it puts things into perspective a bit.

And Lexi. She brings so much joy into my every day that how can I not be thankful for the new little life that is growing inside me?

So here's to hoping that April comes really really quickly...and that sometime soon I will break my record of puking my guts out every day for 3 months straight. And that I will find an end to my discouragement. Because it really makes life pretty gloomy.