So here it is. With all this talk of moving and life changes and intentional community, deep down, I am scared to death. The funny thing is that I am not really phased by the fact that our vision might bomb and we will be back to square one. I am not even scared about living in the same apartment or house with other people (after all, I grew up in a family of 9, so how hard can it really be?). I know there will be challenges and hard times and misunderstandings and disagreements, but I know that these things can all be worked out and we will all be the better for it. So I can't even say that I am scared by the inevitability of those things.
Sometimes I feel like being a Missionary Kid is more of a curse than a blessing. All the moving and transitions and leaving loved ones behind does something to you. Saying goodbye to someone you love, knowing that you will never see them again, does something to you.
It has caused me to hate moving more than anything in the world. I emotionally withdraw from people when I know I am leaving, since it's easier than saying goodbye. I have few friends, but the friends I do have are closer to me than my own siblings. I struggle with change, transition, and anything that threatens to disrupt my "safe" and predictable life.
So the thought of leaving this home that we have made here in this apartment, with our close friends surrounding us, is breaking my heart. I feel like if we leave, we are going to lose everything, which I can't bear the thought of. But if we stay, will anything change? We have been waiting it out here hoping that someone else would be the one to be the one to move on and naturally disperse the group. Praying that it would not have to be us. Please don't let it be us.
I can't picture our life without our friends here making it complete. God give us wisdom to know what to do.
[Just a note in case anyone out there is wondering what on earth happened to my daughter Lexi, and why I haven't talked about her in so long, I have two words for you: Teething and Tantrums. Apparently, the two work in tandem.]
I completely understand where you're coming from with this post. I've been struggling with this some lately myself as we're gearing up for the move. For some reason, I thought I was doing alright with the goodbyes because I was preparing for them and I knew when and where they were going to happen. There was some measure of control. Then this week I find out that one of my best friends here is moving in two weeks. It was so sudden, and it's just completely taken me for a loop. I've found myself wanting to not pour myself so much into my friendships the next time around just because I don't want the hurt all over again, but I know that's not the way it works. Sometimes it's the grief that shows us how beautiful something has been.
ReplyDeleteThank you, friend. Your words have encouraged me greatly this morning. :)
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