Remembering October

Hey, remember October?!?

I hardly do. But since I am going through pictures, I had some of my memory return. We went camping, and then a week later, Eric's folks came to visit. The day they left was the same day we got our foster placement, which explains my lack of cute pictures. So here's a flash back to a colorful, fun week in October, right before the chaos of doubling our family ensued. ;-)

 Planting our first pear tree.

 The girls loved to listen to Grandpa play his french horn every morning.

 We spent one morning at a gorgeous forest preserve just outside of Chicago.

 Alli and her bff.

 Lyla's reaction here is my favorite. ;-) I don't think she liked the leaves that much.

 Because Eric's folks were here right before Halloween, we did a fun little dress rehearsal with the girls. I'm glad I did (clearly Lyla is not!) because on Halloween it was dark, pouring rain and the girls abandoned their cute costumes at the last minute for their ballet tutus instead. Thankfully, I will no forever remember my happy ladybug and the disgruntled flower.

I mean seriously. It must hurt to be this cute. :-)

Thankful in remembering October.

Life in December

I took a hiatus from writing for a few weeks while battling some serious seasonal blues, major discipline battles with one of our recent arrivals, extremely cold temperatures, and then a lovely week long episode of the stomach flu, which hit five of the eight people living in our home. Before the flu outbreak happened, we did make it out to a tree farm to get our christmas tree. It is a family tradition to get a real tree every year, and this year was no exception. It was a gorgeous day, and I believe all of 7 degrees outside. 

 I think this was the only smile we saw for the rest of the morning. The kids were sniveling whiny messes within five minutes of being out of the car... Oh, sweet holiday memories. :-)

 Do you see the overabundance of little people we have in our care? The two girls in the pink patterned coats are our newest arrivals, who happen to share the same initials, making it tricky for me to distinguish between them in writing.

 Despite our fingers being frozen solid by the time we got it cut, we did find a beautiful tree! It has brightened up our home in lovely ways since putting all the lights and ornaments up. After tying the tree to the roof of our car, we ended up driving over to my parents place and staying the night there for some much needed "family care." I am so blessed to have my family in the same country and state as me again!

 A few days later, it started snowing. The snow has continued off and on for the past week, making the outside world just a little more pleasing to the eye. Lyla finds that balancing can be difficult sometimes.

 Lexi taking charge as usual. 

 Another crash, followed by a supermodel marshmallow pose and smile.

Lyla quiet and unassuming...

...gets caught up in an evil plan hatched by the older sister...

 ...who decides it will be funny to throw a snowball at Lyla's face and neck. 

 This is the grin of Victory, apparently.

Sheesh. 

Yes, we are still alive! A short December update...

I am amazing even myself for being on here and typing a few lines. Here is what is happening this morning. I am sitting on the couch in my pajama pants while my four girls take out every toy in the house and free play the morning away. I even finished a book while they played around me (with the occasional screaming match followed by several swift time outs). It's going to take hours to clean up, but hey. They are happy.

The switch from two kids to four has been drastic. My daily routines and systems were thrown out the window and had to be rewritten and revamped entirely to incorporate four kids under four respectively. The good news is that I think we finally got through the hardest adjustment phase and are now more settled in month #2. Which means that maybe I will actually take my camera out of its case one of these days. The unfortunate part is that I'm not really supposed to post any pictures of my foster daughters, which makes it difficult for documenting life since they are are intricate part of it. And they love having their pictures taken. But now that the chaos is becoming more ordered to an extent, maybe I will even get a little more creative in my picture taking! But let's save that for another day. Give me a pat on the back for at least writing a little.

BIG NEWS in the Staswick home: We bought a mini van! I grieve every time all four car seats are buckled and I make my wide turns on narrow city streets, but we couldn't do without it. So I am thankful that I am no longer house bound (although that's where we are most days), and we can actually go places as a family again. Like to Missouri! Which we did over Thanksgiving. We did the crazy unthinkable and loaded four girls under the age of four into a van and drove for eight hours to MO and then back again for the Thanksgiving festivities with Eric's family. Very thankful for our van's built in DVD system. You have no idea.The whining and crying and car seat jesting turned out to be so worth it for the time we spent with family. It was a huge blessing to have our girls loved on by our family while I basically sat on the couch for three days and watched. No joke. It was dreamy. I literally did nothing. Oh, the fantasies of motherhood!

We arrived home late Saturday night and then spent all Sunday morning cooking and preparing the house for what may have been the best Thanksgiving yet. Eric and I had the privilege of hosting our foster daughters' other numerous siblings and their Mom over to our home to share our table and give thanks together. Our table has never been so full and beautiful before. It was hard, beautiful, broken, and so moving all at the same time to be a part of this family's story. And even though the circumstances are grievous, I am so thankful to be right in the middle of it, willing to serve with my whole heart where I have been given opportunity.

Eric, in turn, had the best birthday ever. And I couldn't be more thankful to be walking alongside such a man of integrity and love for the outcast, the broken, the displaced.

May our home ever be a place of blessing and thanksgiving. Where the broken are welcomed, and where you are always loved, no matter the torn, patched up story you carry with you. A place where Jesus dwells and all hands are spread open in thanks, even when the gifts are often hard to accept. Today I am thankful for little girl voices squealing, toys carpeting every surface of walking space, windows of rest in the crazy, and the miracle of joy that comes with accepting, receiving, and in the giving of thanks to our Father of so many good gifts.

Thankfully exhausted.

Remember that time when I had two children and felt completely at capacity and overwhelmed with just getting through normal daily routines?

Yeah, that just doubled.

I am realizing now how good I had it then. Not to discredit my feelings then, because they were legitimate in the moment, but it is interesting how perspective changes everything.

Instead of two voices calling "Mama!!!" every two seconds and at the same time, now there are four girls who call me "Mama" and need me for everything.
Everything.
All at the same time.

One of me, four of them. You do the math.

Maxed out capacity + Overwhelmed = Exhausted.

But still I am thankful.

I don't have much time for myself anymore. We are working on getting some consistent help here to change that a bit, but for the moment, I'm on the island (with some volunteer help on occasion) with four cute, but very demanding kids while Eric is at work five days a week.

None of this is easy.
I have a foster daughter who I feel like doesn't want to bond with me. Who is resistant to the idea of being part of this family, but still begs for a kiss at bedtime. She believes that everyone who leaves the house, even just to run an errand or go to work, is never coming back. But she runs up to me today, hugs my legs, and in a giggle says, "I love you."
And I am left wondering.
Can I love her enough, as much as my own flesh and blood daughter, even though she may only be here for a year? Can I love her without the timeline? Can I raise an african american daughter in a white home without causing serious identity issues to her future? Can I love her like she was all mine from the beginning?
I don't know.
I want to. But like any relationship that doesn't start with nine months of growing internally, it's going to take time.

Am I too tough on them? Should I instruct and direct less and just hug more?
Will they love me like a child loves their real mom?

This is so confusing. I am so tired.
But still I am thankful.
God didn't call us to easy. He called us to Himself. And when I found Him and dove in deep, I found His heart beating. And in that pulsing beat, I found this intense love for the cast off and uncared for children of Chicago. His heart became my own. And I responded.

I don't for one second doubt His placement of these girls in my home. Because His grace was all over their arrival. And His grace is bountiful. And it is all over me. And I am blessed. Because, yes, I am inadequate. No, I don't know how to raise black girls in a white home in segregated Chicago. Yes, I am overwhelmed. Yes, I cry a LOT these days. No, I don't know what I'm doing as a parent.
But the beautiful thing?
God is able.
HE IS ABLE.
And He is all over this.
My home is the Lord's. And each day as I walk as His servant, He continues to pour out more and more and more grace. Even when I fail, there it is again. His grace. I fail a lot. I am stretched thin and raise my voice and move harshly. Kids are crying and there I am again, hiding in the pantry, trying to refrain from beating my head against the wall.

And yet in all of this, the chaos, the survival mode, the stress, the transition, the tunnel of chaos of just trying to make it through each day, and the magnificent outpouring of grace, King David's words pulse through my ears, echoing loud in my heart.

"Who am I, O Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?" 2 Samuel 7:18

My life is full. My hands are open. And I give thanks.

Click on the link below for some more lovely words on this that is encouraging me today.
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/11/how-to-put-one-foot-in-front-of-the-other/