It is May

I've traded writing and posting pictures to sleeping. And reading books like they are food and I am starving. Welcome to my (approximately) last six weeks of pregnancy. My house is grimy, there are always always always laundry and dishes to wash and fold and stack and put away. I don't remember what color the kitchen floor is when it's not covered in crumbs and dirt. But there are fresh eggs on my counter. There are mason jars of fresh creamy raw milk in my refrigerator. Freshly made cheese on the fridge shelf, and warm bread and salad from the garden for dinner.

I've hit the "nesting" period of pregnancy which has really turned into mental panic because I don't really have the time or energy to scour and scrub and get everything perfect. Honestly I've been spending most of my free time in the garden. There is no nursery to prepare because I don't have an empty bedroom. And by the time my kids are fed and cleaned up and in bed for the night, I am crawling into bed and asleep before 9 PM.

The other day I was lamenting to Eric that our house LOOKS like there are four kids under five living in it. And he looked at me and said, "Um, Beth, that's because there ARE."

And so I have been realizing that our home is what it is. And I am struggling with it, because I would love for it to be pinterest worthy and all, but it's not. And the amazing thing is, THAT'S OK. And whether or not my pantry is organized and all the mail piled high in the kitchen is sorted through, this baby is going to come soon and be loved. And everyone will continue to eat and play and get hugged and kissed and cuddled and clothed and diapered. And if the floors only get swept once a week because that's all I can manage, then so be it. At least we are enjoying our lives and learning to love our five little kids and eating so well.

A lot of people (ok, make that everyone) ask me "How do you do it?" Like I am some superhero mom who has it all together and can parent (almost) five little kids and manage eating a real food diet while gardening and taking care of animals and foster parenting (which can be VERY very different from normal parenting much of the time). Here's the truth.

My life doesn't feel extraordinary.

And it certainly isn't glamorous.

There are many days that I slump on the floor in tears while three of girls are tearing up the house and the fourth is throwing another epic 45 minute tantrum. But then there are beautiful moments too. When the girls tell me with a hug that I am a good mom. That they love me. That they are happy. When they smile and run into our arms like we have the same blood running through our veins.

We garden and have animals because we love it and we also love eating well and eating what our hands have planted and grown and raised and milked. We parent because the Lord has blessed us with children. We foster parent because there are kids in this city without a loving home to call there own, and we have made ourselves available to loving them as our own, baggage and all.

Our life is messy, but it is purposeful. So there are dishes in the sink resembling Mount Everest. And the very long tantrums and aggression with our preschoolers continue every day. And we are six weeks or less out from baby and I am waddling around like a penguin with skinny legs.

But really, in the end, our messy life right now is really quite beautiful.  

Toned arms and a heavy slice of life

I have been trying to figure out what has been keeping me from my blog for so long (despite the fact that I am fully six months pregnant and have four children ages 4,3,2, and 1 running around the house). It's not for lack of desire to write and post pictures and be "that parent" who runs a full household, urban farm, is starting a small business, and also manages an interesting life style blog. (Maybe someday...when there aren't so many poopy diapers in the mix...)

I was talking to a friend the other night about my blog when the reason started pouring out of my mouth before I had even processed it myself. And if you know me, you probably know that I tend to choose my words carefully before they are said (no puffing myself up here, this is just part of being an introvert). And here's the reason: It's incredibly hard for me to write about my life when I have to intentionally leave the main pieces out. And when I discreetly put those pieces in, they carry more weight than I expect most of my readers want to carry.

I am parenting four children day in and day out. It's not too bad, actually (after getting used to parenting four, only two kids feels WAY too easy to be normal). But two of those children I am not allowed to publicly talk or write about, post pictures of, or really even write about how it is affecting the rest of our lives. How can I tell stories or share pictures involving only two of my daughters and pretend the other two don't exist? It seems in genuine to me. And I am uncomfortable with it.

So today, you are going to feel some weight. Realize that we are happy, despite circumstances. God is good, we love our family, and have a lot of joy day to day. But life isn't carefree. And this is what I am about to share. My life revolves around the care of my children in this season of life. The four-year-old is required to be in a weekly preschool, and her and her sister have endless doctor's appointments, developmental screenings, family visits and therapy. A week and a half ago, we caught a virus that circled around for over a week until it finally left us able to get out of the house and back into our normal routines. The two-year-old in my care has an issue with being physically violent to other children and adults and is verbally offensive to everyone who she talks to. My arms are physically sore from lifting her 40 pounds (yes, she's a big two year old) in and out of her crib over ten times a day for time outs. At least my arms are toned though. Silver lining?

Every evening at bedtime, Eric fights a 45 minute battle to put the four year old in our care to bed. EVERY NIGHT. And every night, the same routines and then consequences happen. And yet, she still won't go to bed until she has screamed for 45 minutes straight. I am beyond thankful to Eric for voluntarily dealing with this every night upon coming into the house from work. But I think you can understand now why I dealt with heavy depression the entire month of January. In February, it lifted, and with a part time nanny in place on a weekly basis and a vacation that Eric and I enjoyed thoroughly without the kids, we welcomed in March. March has been cold, but it has been good to my soul. My seeds are started indoors and I am eagerly awaiting my garden this spring.

Lexi and Lyla are normal kids for their ages. Our training with them seems so minor compared to our foster daughters, sometimes it is a relief when it is one of them acting up instead of the others.

I want you to know that being a foster parent might be one of the most difficult things you can offer yourself up for in life. At least it feels like that, in my case. Just because something is difficult should never deter you from doing something that God is pressing on your heart, but just because He is asking you to give of yourself in a huge way doesn't mean the road will be smooth. But it will be blessed. Sure, it would probably have been easier if we didn't already have our own kids. Or if we waited until our own kids were grown. But we weren't told to wait. We were asked to open our hearts and home now. And so we are doing.

A lot of people have commented to me that they couldn't do foster care because it would be too hard to send the kids back to their original families when the time came (assuming the child's court order did not change to adoption). While I haven't experienced this part yet, I think they might be wrong. Wouldn't it be worth celebrating if the mom of my kids got her life together and could be the mom that they need? The hardest part of foster parenting for us is living day to day with the pain that has been inflicted on the two children in our care due to the parents' poor choices and lack of responsibility. The fact that I have to tell my four-year-old that she can't live with her mom right now because her mom "has some things she has to work on" is heartbreaking and infuriating. The sadness and loss of a forced separation runs so deep that no child should ever ever ever have to feel it. And yet mine do. It is all they know. Every day they are living in it. And yet they still run into my arms and call me their Mama.

Sometimes, when the day is long and the behavior issues are intense and too numerous to count, I find myself filled with intense anger. Not towards the kids, but sadly, sometimes a small piece of it gets taken out on them. It is anger towards their Mom. And I never realized before now how hard it is to forgive someone who is actively destroying their child's life because of selfish decisions. Matthew 18:21-22 makes so much more sense now. It's when Peter asks the Lord how many times he should forgive someone and the Lord answers with a ridiculously huge number, indicating that we are to be engaged in active forgiveness. A daily forgiving. This is the Gospel. Caring for a woman's children that have been removed from her due to an unacceptable life style, and yet still loving that woman. Disciplining her children, cleaning them after illness, feeding them, loving them, working with them through their trauma, wiping their butts and washing their faces and holding them when they scream at night. And still loving the Mom who birthed them into all of this confusion. I pray for her every night with the girls at bedtime. But sometimes my heart isn't in it. Sometimes I wish she wouldn't get better so that we could just adopt the girls and cut the ties and get rid of the confusion and simply give them a good life. It could happen. But who am I to wish that on someone? Who am I to think that their mom doesn't deserve to have her children? That is not my place to say. And I am ashamed and confused when I realize that my anger towards her has made me resistant to truly loving and bonding with her children, who are also my children. For now.

Do you see how complex this is?
And yet, even with all the complexity, our lives are more fulfilled now than they have ever been.

I have just three months left of my pregnancy. I can't believe this little surprise baby is already almost here. The girls are so excited and tell me endlessly how much they love my baby. Lol. I don't know how life will be when the baby is born, or if I can learn to nurse while breaking up fights simultaneously. But I am seriously thinking of buying one of those ropes with all the rings on it that daycares use to take the kids on walks. Seems like a good investment at this point.

Along with my pregnancy, we are also expecting goats! I can't wait!!!! Now that I got all of this emotional junk out to air, you will be hearing more about them soon. Eric built a gorgeous little shed for them with the cutest door. He also built a fence around it so they can enjoy the fresh air without us getting goat berries on our shoes. ;-) Jane, our short little fat goat, is due to deliver this week or early next! We are expecting 3-5 kids from her and probably 2 from Clarabelle. A few weeks after she delivers, we will be milking. Yes, we live in the city and will be milking our goats twice a day. And making cheese. And Eric's more excited about it than I am (and I'm pretty excited!). I seriously married the best man. :-)

Here's to Monday. Here's to my crazy sounding life and adventures. Here's to a run-on post that is as heavy as lead. And here's to a new chapter in my blog where you will get the heavy in a discreet way, while also (hopefully soon) get to see lots of pictures (have to go dust off my camera) of two of my adorable children with equally adorable baby goats. Stay tuned. They're coming soon!

Where we are

I've never been a parent to a child who has experienced trauma before now. And no matter how much they think they are preparing you with hours of training and course materials, you can never be fully prepared when the day arrives that the once compliant, sweet child turns confused and angry and who's troubles seem so deep and so out of reach they cannot be touched, let alone healed.

How do you explain to a four-year-old girl who wants to go home that she can't?

How do you assure her that her mom loves her, but then have to explain why she can't take care of her?

How do you love a child who constantly pushes you away because she's so desperately afraid of losing the family she was torn away from?

It is extremely evident that both our foster daughters have experienced trauma in some shape or form, though the details for us are few and far between.

They need to be loved. But love can't take away the fact that the trauma happened. No matter how much love we give, we all have to accept that the effects of the trauma exist and learn to work through it together.

The past two weeks have been full of a lot of emotions. We have been learning little by little how to recognize the effects of the trauma and how to work with our foster daughter to deal with it appropriately. While her new behaviors and confusion have rocked our family significantly, we are thankful to have a wonderful therapist through our agency who immediately stepped in and got involved. Together we are working to keep our family healthy and strengthen the weak areas while continuing to give our girls the very specific love and care that they need. We are taking teeny tiny baby steps, but at least we are moving forward.

Eric and I are hopeful, but exhausted emotionally and physically. If you are reading this post, we would appreciate it so much if you could take a few minutes right now to pray for our family. We are also in the process of making several big decisions about our future that require a lot of thought and consideration. If I do not write very often in the next few months, all of this is why.

On a lighter note, you know that moment when you haven't stepped on a scale in ages and then you take your kid to the doctor and sneakily step on one? Holy moly. I think it finally hit me that I'm actually entering into my fifth month of pregnancy! Maternity clothes are out of the box and teeny baby kicks are in full swing! Nausea is almost gone and appetite is back, along with that special kind of full and utter exhaustion that only comes with pregnancy. The great name debates have begun, and thank goodness we have Lexi! She's determined that the babe is a girl and will be named Sunshine. On the very slight and unlikely chance that it so happens to be the rare and very unexpected boy (but we all know that with four girls already, how could it possibly?), he will be named Rain Cloud. It makes perfect sense to Lexi. :-)

Yep, kinda freaking out about how fast our family is growing, but still excited to meet our little babe this summer! I would post pictures of my rounding belly, but I barely have time to brush my hair these days, so that's not gonna happen!

Back to the serious, we covet your prayers and encouragement. This is not an easy road we are on, but the Lord very clearly led us here and we are walking in confidence that though hard, His way is also GOOD.

Life in December

I took a hiatus from writing for a few weeks while battling some serious seasonal blues, major discipline battles with one of our recent arrivals, extremely cold temperatures, and then a lovely week long episode of the stomach flu, which hit five of the eight people living in our home. Before the flu outbreak happened, we did make it out to a tree farm to get our christmas tree. It is a family tradition to get a real tree every year, and this year was no exception. It was a gorgeous day, and I believe all of 7 degrees outside. 

 I think this was the only smile we saw for the rest of the morning. The kids were sniveling whiny messes within five minutes of being out of the car... Oh, sweet holiday memories. :-)

 Do you see the overabundance of little people we have in our care? The two girls in the pink patterned coats are our newest arrivals, who happen to share the same initials, making it tricky for me to distinguish between them in writing.

 Despite our fingers being frozen solid by the time we got it cut, we did find a beautiful tree! It has brightened up our home in lovely ways since putting all the lights and ornaments up. After tying the tree to the roof of our car, we ended up driving over to my parents place and staying the night there for some much needed "family care." I am so blessed to have my family in the same country and state as me again!

 A few days later, it started snowing. The snow has continued off and on for the past week, making the outside world just a little more pleasing to the eye. Lyla finds that balancing can be difficult sometimes.

 Lexi taking charge as usual. 

 Another crash, followed by a supermodel marshmallow pose and smile.

Lyla quiet and unassuming...

...gets caught up in an evil plan hatched by the older sister...

 ...who decides it will be funny to throw a snowball at Lyla's face and neck. 

 This is the grin of Victory, apparently.

Sheesh. 

Yes, we are still alive! A short December update...

I am amazing even myself for being on here and typing a few lines. Here is what is happening this morning. I am sitting on the couch in my pajama pants while my four girls take out every toy in the house and free play the morning away. I even finished a book while they played around me (with the occasional screaming match followed by several swift time outs). It's going to take hours to clean up, but hey. They are happy.

The switch from two kids to four has been drastic. My daily routines and systems were thrown out the window and had to be rewritten and revamped entirely to incorporate four kids under four respectively. The good news is that I think we finally got through the hardest adjustment phase and are now more settled in month #2. Which means that maybe I will actually take my camera out of its case one of these days. The unfortunate part is that I'm not really supposed to post any pictures of my foster daughters, which makes it difficult for documenting life since they are are intricate part of it. And they love having their pictures taken. But now that the chaos is becoming more ordered to an extent, maybe I will even get a little more creative in my picture taking! But let's save that for another day. Give me a pat on the back for at least writing a little.

BIG NEWS in the Staswick home: We bought a mini van! I grieve every time all four car seats are buckled and I make my wide turns on narrow city streets, but we couldn't do without it. So I am thankful that I am no longer house bound (although that's where we are most days), and we can actually go places as a family again. Like to Missouri! Which we did over Thanksgiving. We did the crazy unthinkable and loaded four girls under the age of four into a van and drove for eight hours to MO and then back again for the Thanksgiving festivities with Eric's family. Very thankful for our van's built in DVD system. You have no idea.The whining and crying and car seat jesting turned out to be so worth it for the time we spent with family. It was a huge blessing to have our girls loved on by our family while I basically sat on the couch for three days and watched. No joke. It was dreamy. I literally did nothing. Oh, the fantasies of motherhood!

We arrived home late Saturday night and then spent all Sunday morning cooking and preparing the house for what may have been the best Thanksgiving yet. Eric and I had the privilege of hosting our foster daughters' other numerous siblings and their Mom over to our home to share our table and give thanks together. Our table has never been so full and beautiful before. It was hard, beautiful, broken, and so moving all at the same time to be a part of this family's story. And even though the circumstances are grievous, I am so thankful to be right in the middle of it, willing to serve with my whole heart where I have been given opportunity.

Eric, in turn, had the best birthday ever. And I couldn't be more thankful to be walking alongside such a man of integrity and love for the outcast, the broken, the displaced.

May our home ever be a place of blessing and thanksgiving. Where the broken are welcomed, and where you are always loved, no matter the torn, patched up story you carry with you. A place where Jesus dwells and all hands are spread open in thanks, even when the gifts are often hard to accept. Today I am thankful for little girl voices squealing, toys carpeting every surface of walking space, windows of rest in the crazy, and the miracle of joy that comes with accepting, receiving, and in the giving of thanks to our Father of so many good gifts.

Baby chickens and other typical Mom stuff

Today is gloriously sunny and a balmy 47 degrees F!!! Everyone in the city have left their coats at home and are walking around in light sweaters and some in t-shirts. After a long, grey winter, today is the perfect promise and reality of spring. Last year, on the Thursday before Easter, I noticed the first signs of Lyla's soon-to-be-labor and delivery. This year, there is no baby with my DNA that we are welcoming into the world, but our family DID just grow!

Last night, Eric came home with our new "girls."

We have ten chicks, four different varieties. All for egg laying purposes (obviously). They are currently living in a tub under a heat lamp in the house (and away from the cats). Eric will build the chicken coop in the next few weeks, just in time for them to be old enough to move outside. 

Lexi got to stay up super late last night to get acquainted. She is holding Lulu.

We also have a Gloria, Marigold, and Bellatrix (which is extremely appropriate because she likes to peck at all the other chicks eyes and is constantly picking a fight). More names to come.

I am finding it rather funny (I laugh at my own jokes a lot, actually) that I am turning into this natural loving person who makes almost all our food from scratch, sews my own curtains, uses vinegar and baking soda for cleaning supplies, washes my hair with baking soda, drinks green smoothies, brews kombucha in the pantry, raises my own chickens, and am about to plant my garden for our fresh produce this summer. I do all this, while my kids eat cheerios from a box for breakfast, and munch on cheesy goldfish crackers from a box for snacks. I also love snickers bars and Netflix and store-bought clothing. And my smart phone is pretty much an extra appendage which I use 24/7. It's like pioneers in the big city with smart phones and minus the jumpers and prairie boots. 

Enough about how weird I am. 

You are probably thinking, "Hey, cool, they have chicks," while at the same time wondering what on earth happened to our pending placement of human children, D and baby DJ. The thing is, during the weekend that that were here with us, something changed at their current home, and the placement has been stopped, or at least put on hold for a while. This may or may not be in the best interest of the boys, but it is completely out of our hands. As far as I know, people at the agency have a lot of meetings to hold before we will know anything, but it is looking like the boys will not be joining our family. We are bummed, but at the same time happy for their sakes that they may not have to make yet another transition. So we are still awaiting the call telling us that we are licensed (should be any time now) and then we will hopefully be hearing about a placement soon. I am not worried. I know that when God called us into this, it was going to be done His way and all in His time. For now I am enjoying parenting my two girls and now ten chicks (haha) and am looking forward to my family's arrival from Mexico in a few weeks! They will be here in the Chicago area for the next six months, so my summer is looking extra sunny!!!! :-) The hardest time of my life was moving away from my family when I had a three year old sister at home (and now my own daughter is almost three!!). I am so looking forward to re-connecting with them in the coming months!

I mentioned a dog joining our family in a recent post. Yes, it is finally set in stone. Sami, short for Samantha, is my family's dog and will be living with us for the duration of the time my family is in the area. Unfortunately  the mission home they always stay in has a no-pets rule. So since I love to take in all the homeless members of my family, we offered to house Sami. Lexi is especially excited. I am more excited about the fact that she is already trained (there is a bit of family history with that comment...in regards to the fact that I took a dog through training school once many many years ago...and she left our family nine-months after she arrived due to having a screw loose in her brain...never the less, I was kind of scarred for life). 

But today, for the moment, the house is silent-ish while the girls sleep, the chicks peep, and I sit here in the sun with the fresh air wafting through the windows and yummy smells coming from my crock pot in the kitchen. I kind of sound like I have it all together, but don't be fooled! My floors are covered with crumbs and sticky blobs of who-knows-what, my jeans are ripped, my shirt has baby snot smeared on it and there are toys all over the floor. There is rubble in the yard, mold all over my shower curtain (I hate that) and sewing items completely covering the table. Lexi's time in time-outs today have probably totaled an hour and a half already and it's barely two o'clock (that's what we get for letting her stay up late for the chicks welcome home party), and I have changed enough poopy diapers from my eleven-month-old this morning to last me the week. Oh, and I caught one of my children (I won't say who) peeing in my lawn today for no apparent reason other than her explanation of "I wanted to go potty in the grass." I mean, ok. I guess that's fair. Maybe it's time for a privacy fence?

Just your regular mom stuff. We just like to keep it real around here. And with the lovely sun and relatively warm weather, it is going to be a great afternoon outside! 

Irony, Vegas, and a little bit in between.

This was by far, the most hilarious part of the weekend. Talk about irony. 

But D, who didn't get the joke, insisted on being like the other kids, and wore the bib proudly (while I tried to suppress my laughter every time I looked at him). 

I have come to the happy conclusion that while I am not technically allowed to post pictures of the boys on the internet, there is nothing that states that I can't post drawn pictures of them. So I think you may be seeing more of my quick watercolor sketches as the days go on and their visits eventually turn into living here full time. 

Lyla continues to be busy scouring the floors for any tiny inedible objects to put in her mouth and gag on until I come rescue her. She likes the subtle thrills. Along with choking, her new favorite game is pulling everything off of shelves, out of drawers, cupboards, etc. and then sitting in the pile of her plunder and laughing. I am still not getting the joke.

I learned how to bottle feed two babies at the same time. Lyla was jealous of baby DJ's bottle drinking habits and threw herself woefully on the ground in front of me crying "MAMA   MAMA!!!" in her most pitiful whiny baby voice (and then tried to pull it out of his mouth to put it in hers) until she got one of her own. And then they both drank their bottles happily propped on my legs, while I played peacemaker with D and Lexi over and over and over again.

If you ever wondered what it feels like to be called "Mommy" or "Daddy" by a child who is biologically not your own, let me tell you. It is an interesting experience. D is very confused by the whole transition that is gradually unfolding, but being that he has no male influence in his life, he has taken to calling Eric, "Daddy," and LOVES being around him. Something that neither of us anticipated so soon. I get really emotional whenever I think about it, and I have a lot of thoughts on this actually, that have been brewing in my mind all weekend, but I will wait until a later time to share them here. That said, Eric loves that D calls him "Daddy." Lexi doesn't get it at all (and why would she?) and keeps asking D where his Mama is...

I have started the weird habit of entering blog give-aways. I never win anything, and I am already a reader of said blogs, but still. There is always the chance of winning. I have a feeling I should always stay far away from Vegas. My most recent entry was to win a rug that apparently is stain resistant and was even tested in the zoo for a week with elephants and still washed out completely clean! See what I mean? I may be in real trouble here. Good thing I never fell for the Sham-Wow towel (although I do hear that it actually works!).

Lexi and I could eat whipped cream cheese out of the container with a spoon. Every day. This may or may not be part of the reason why my pants are getting a bit tighter these days...if only it would warm up outside so we can actually be active again! How I am going to be active with four children four and under I am not yet sure...I am just thankful for a double stroller, a baby carrier, a four year old with a bike, and a large city yard that has plenty of room for lots of energy!

Planning my garden needs to happen NOW. Hopefully. I have no idea what I am doing, but I am so determined to grow my own tomatoes this summer that I am going to do the best that I can.

Eric found out a few months back that we are allowed to have chickens in the city for the purpose of eggs. He has been planning our coop ever since and plans on getting the coop built and the chicks bought within a matter of weeks. I am excited about urban farming. But boy, do I have a LOT to learn! Lesson 101: How to keep a plant alive longer than five days....

And now that I have hit all the random points I can think of, I will now assist my daughter in painting, who has suddenly decided that her hands are a better canvas than the paper...